Listen

Can you please listen? couz recently I've been feeling like no one wants to listen to me. I realize how much of a non speaker I really am. I've been soo used to silence that I don't know how to communicate now. I realize now how much I hurt other people by being silent. But how can I change? I've been soo used to it that I do it subconsciously. Funny. People are used to it as well that they don't listen. Well now is kinda different. Someone wants to listen to me. He wants me to speak up. Something I don't know how to do anymore. He keeps asking me. I keep failing him. I don't think I've ever agitated a person like this in my whole life and its kinda scary and draining. I keep failing. I hope I don't resort to bad things.

MelancholyIII

Dear blog,
Please start telling me what to do. I have no one left. Have I really been stripped bare of all the relationships I had? I feel all anxieties are coming back. I can't talk. I don't know what is real anymore. I feel like I lost everything. I hate myself for being weak. I hate myself for not asserting myself earlier. I seriously should've just ended everything before when I first thought about leaving rather than waiting for something to happen. Now that something did I feel like I made the wrong decision. How can I possibly redeem myself? I want to be helped but the feeling of wanting to be alone is more prominent. Please stay by my side blog ok? I don't want to leave the world just yet.

--ニコル

MelancholyII

Dear blog,
Maybe having friends doesn't fit for a person like me. I don't want to trust anymore. Because out of all the people who I believe wouldn't hurt me makes me feel most hopeless. I feel so empty like a shell. I even feel like I have no right to look at other people's eyes anymore. I have no friends. What else do I have left? I even feel like my sister hates me right now. What more do I have left? Do I go back? Just to have people around me doubt me? I feel like I'd rather not have close relationship ties anymore. I want to protect myself. I want to be alone.

--ニコル

MelancholyI

Dear blog,
I must be the shitty'est person alive. I can't believe myself. Never in my life did I imagine I would like another person when I am still in a relationship of my own. I can't. I feel unsettled. I feel unhappy. I feel like no one wants me happy. I don't deserve to be happy. And no one can make me happy anymore. In a nutshell, I became shit. If I'm going to be really honest with you. I feel that if I choose either of them I will be both happy and sad. I dunno what to do honestly. I feel cornered and helpless. I dunno what to say anymore.

--Nicole

BirthdayBlues

I never lose reasons to hate myself during my birthday. I really want to keep everyone special near me but I don't want to take advantage of anyone anymore. I don't want to hurt others anymore. I want to bear this pain. I don't want to see other people disappointed in me again. I feel like I'm the biggest jerk. I'm sorry blog but I'm not in love anymore. And I don't think I deserve to be. I don't love myself anyways. So I guess I don't deserve to be loved. I really hate myself. I need to stop before I break down

Get up get up get up get up
Time to make amends for what you've done
Get up get up get up get up
Running with the demons in your head
Let's shout it out completely
Never really want to know
Let's shout it out, we're screaming 

totoro

cutie :"3 <3 <3

I'mMe I'mWeird

Blog へ
Sir Jaycee really likes your name :"> haha おめでとうね！You have someone who adores you blog dear :)) I don't know why but I feel like I'm in a slump and I can't move forward. I need to man up! I need to do my best. Cheer for me blog dear! I just wanted to tell you as well that now a days I feel like I have Cinderella syndrome or something. Like I need to go to a virtual world when the clock strucks 12. I feel them on both 12's like on noon I need to work my hardest sometime after it and the other 12 I need to be in my fantasy land in blogs or books or fics. I feel like I'm a different me on different 12's or to be more precise its 9. The real times that my mind switches realities is at 9. I just used 12 for metaphors. 9 in the morning is the time I have to be serious and slap myself to leave the house. 9 in the evening is when I start to let go of my pen and procrastinate. I really feel like a person who has a lot of mental or psychological disorder -.- I constantly need to remind myself that I am a hard working student. Altho half the time I am not. I just need it to convince myself to work harder and not slack off. Anyways I am in fairy tale land right now and I need to let go of all this ideas out of me because honestly sometimes it also seeps to the other half of the time it's not suppised to be present (meaning I get I get mini fairy tale modes during the morning half). People of the world remind me please. And I think I'm gonna be a writer again because I need to dump all ideas out of my system. I think it gets to refresh my left brain when I drain the right one? Does that make sense? Anyways gotta go. I'm getting new stuff on my mind again. Ciao!

ーーニコル

久しぶりです

God help me please. I am too depressed for my sake. I don't know but this is eating me whole. I want to get out of my house and not see. But someone doesn't want me to leave because of money. I know I need to stop it but just a few more I am turning suicidal. I don't know what I want anymore. Its funny. A while ago, Father's sermon was knowing what you want and asking God for it. How can I ask now? I feel strangled and limited and deprived. Like I don't have the right to be happy anymore. Please help me.

--ニコル

AloneRant

I didn't realise it before. But even if I don't talk to people in Skype I actually need their presence now. I realised they are the only ones I talk to now a days. Even if they make fun of me once in a while. I guess its better off than being too alone in this house. I didn't even realise I was close to kuletski until now. It is Tito Jojo's birthday. Oh I guess I never really mentioned. He is my favourite Tito. I was the one who didn't want him to go to America before when I was I kid. I even remember him packing up and me silently removing his things from the box. I don't know if it annoyed him but I remember him naming almost all of the stuff he has at that house to me. pamana? I feel really alone. I don't want December to come but at the same time I want to.

−−ニコルでした

UnderstandingTechiFather.

Blog へ I realised something and wanted to share it. Somehow, I don't want to blame my dad anymore about his small addiction to buying gadgets rather than other things that can actually be useful to the house. I realised it is somehow happiness for him to actually see things like gadgets around him. Although I still don't approve. I kinda know now that it gives him semi happiness. It's weird tho. haha That's all. じゃね。

−−ニコルでした

RandomJapaneseRant

WTF　どうしよう？　どうしよう！分からないぞ　:(　助けてくださいよ！　本当ロストです.　どうしたんですか？　止めようか？　来てますか？　やらないよ！　私は弱い人です.　ネガチブフィリングズ。ネガチブフィリングズ立ち去るください！　止めて。お願いします。ごめん。止めること。じゃ。

−−ニコルでした。

BestConversationEVER!

I'm terrified
Why?
I've been looking out a window for 18 years dreaming about what it would feel like watching those lights rise out to the sky. What if it's not everything I dreamed it would be?
It will be.
And what if it is? what do I do then?
Well that's the good part I guess? You get to find a new dream

:"> #KiligFeels #BestMovieEver!

EndlessBoringRant.SeriouslyRandomRants (Don'tReadIfYouDon'tWantAHeadache)

ok it wasn't 5 minutes from my last post but I'm still blogging @.@ I just wanted to share that I keep seeing Japanese phones lately and its frustrating (I kinda scrolled down and saw my dream phone again) so I guess they do work here? gaaaaaaah! I'm such a horrible person @.@ The net is too slow for mymathlab! wahahahahahahaha This is too hilarious I'm like talking to myself I'm downloading stuff even if it seems impossible I'm loading gifs even if it takes forever to load. I'm using wolframalpha for answering my assignments. My home works are due on Friday. The project we're gonna work on Monday is due on Friday as well. I feel that this post would be shorter that the others? or maybe not. This would be the official rant blogpost for the day. Or hopefully the month. I just made a mess. Or maybe my sister did. and no one is cleaning again. I repeat no one. No one is even sweeping the floors. even if it's too dusty. I'm gonna stand up and sweep. . . I just sweeped. . . the hairs in font of my computer.  I'm doing my homework. with the help of wolframalpha (kids don't do this at home). 'couz I'm too lazy to find the domain and range @.@ 'couz its too boring. 'couz I'm too boring. and I even forgot how to properly write an interval notation. I really need to perfect this thing to at least have a sure 10% in my grade so I would have surely have total of 15%. So I would only need 55% more to pass! I think I got 72 on the first quiz? because of the additional points. and I think I have 74 on the second.  I'm such a hopeless person. I need to beg. I need to do something. I feel miserable again. Ok doing home work doing home work. . . It's amazing how everything on the first homework can actually be answered by wolframalpha. Its sad tho how I got one item wrong. and It was just me figuring out how to change sentence form to interval notation. It's just really taking a lot of time to load. like A LOT of time. and I'm just in item 7. No one really needs to read this. This is really a pointless blogpost. But I like it. hahaha. Go faster net! go faster! I feel like one of those greek people who punish their slaves. and net you are my slave! BOAHAHAHAHA I'm crazy. I'm seriously crazy ne? Does this normally happen to lonely people? I hate my eFan. It's existence is also somehow pointless. Wait it does have one. It wards away the mosquitos at night. but generally its not an eFan anymore. You can feel to almost nothing the air passing through it. 吹き抜ける？ 吹き抜かないよ！ hahahahaha I'm such a miserable person @.@ I don't have anyone to talk to other than you Blog my dear. I'm too pissed at almost everyone to even talk to them. haha. I really wonder sometimes if you had a gender what would it be. haha. I also wonder why mymathlab allows me to cheat on it too much? wolframalpha of all the sites in the world. haha. My phone looks more cute now. More adorable to be exact, it has a plug now because of the freebie from the pen I bought earlier. I feel really weird. Blogging like this and feeling miserable. I feel like I'm drunk and Blog is the bartender. listening to my nonsense. Now I understand what It feels like to be a bartender just observing myself. I'm not drunk anyways. I can imagine if I we're and was in front of a bartender or whatever. I'm talkative in my own sense anyways. I dunno. If I want to talk if that is. Ok my homework is too long. I just looked and it has 50 questions. I'm just in number 11. I guess this is gonna take long @.@ I think I really need someone's help here. I guess it was only until 10 that wolframalpha can do my work for me. hooooooo. I really need to work on this. I feel sleepy. haha I just remembered something random. Father (priest) talking about porn. It was soo hilarious I thought I was gonna die from embarrassment not from my own. From the idea of the topic. It was porn. It's too hilarious for my own good. I'm gonna continue my assignment tomorrow. I just re realised how annoying it is to find limits. It's too much work finding @.@ I get why it's important but its just weird ok? I'm really going to 22 next term OK?! This lazy ass will get to 22 OK?! I swear this homework will be the death of me. This is too long! and tedious to boot! I'll just drag my lazy butt to Jedd's place tomorrow. He'll help me out. 'couz he knows how lazy I am. Sometimes I really wonder what's wrong with him. He is smart right? Why'd he choose me? I'm not smart o.o . . . WAIT I am smart in my own way. Just a little too different from him. And a lot too lazy. Isn't being lazy a turn off? dunno why he isn't ~.~ let's just watch Tangled before going to sleep. I really like Flynn Rider's voice. Zachary Levi? I know this is the name of the voice actor? Eugene! haha tho I still feel annoyed from time to time remembering a certain someone (refer to previous post) that should not be remembered. I'll look for a good notebook to give her and make myself forget. I still love Rapunzel tho. Even more love for Mandy Moore :"> I wonder what her next project would be o.o (checks IMDB and Wikipedia). Well based from what I see. Null. zzz I'll end this post and watch Tangled now. zzz see you tomorrow Blog! 愛している

−−ニコル

Seriously I don't suggest reading this 'couz I just keep on typing without a plot of what I am saying.

I didn't realise I wasn't done. Too tired to edit the other post 'couz this is kinda different from this one (Sentence title)

Blog へ Oh yeah. I was window shopping right? I'll just show you a list of the things I really liked and I think this would make me feel better if I write it down. Even if the chances of me actually buying these things are null. Let me at least feel better ok?

Wish List (SMBac Ver)

• 3900 Trackpad
• 1490 earpods
• 2500 iPad cover
• 1300 keypad cover
• 900 speaker
• 1500 wii controller
• 2500 wii controller + numchuck
• 1500 wii game
• 6000 nintendo DS
• 1750 MarioxLuigi game wii
• 1025 Casio Calcu
• 350 Spongebob shirt (just his faces)

I don't know why but it made me feel better when I knew the prices even if I know myself I wouldn't buy those stuff. I forgot to say I bought milk tea earlier today and was with Seatmate. She was laughing at me a lot 'couz  the purpose of me buying milk tea was to relieve me of stress (which usually does happen) but I think I got more stressed because I was complaining at the consistency of the tea. It was too sweet for comfort and the pearls were kinda old. So I kept on complaining and complaining and Seatmate was laughing 'couz I got more stressed than actually relieving myself off it. whoooooo I need to go I really need to work on that so called assignment on mymathlab.

I think I would blog again? I'm too stressed for my own good.

−−ニコル

Game: The Who?

Blog へ
ok because of my addiction to downloading videos/movies (tho I don't watch) the net has worn thin again. Still can't pay tho. So to all the others who depend on our net. Luck's not on your side. Especially now that I like downloading vids that are low on seeders. or videos from Dailymotion. I'm such a frustrated person ne? Tho I did watch Tangled and Frozen. I'm still a Tangled>Frozen person. Even if Tangled makes me remember someone I'm not supposed to. haha like an ex girlfriend (tho to make it more precise ex best friend?) ugh I hate this. I don't even know if I have the right to hate her for forgetting about me. anyways I was SMBac earlier today and looking at the stationery station of the Department Store. I was looking for a notebook or whatever so I can write her a letter. Weird right? a notebook for a letter? let me just say I know her personality and I know what would get her attention so I would write her a letter on a notebook. well you see most notebooks that are sold there are those recycled ones so I think she would use that. I would write the melodramatic letter I was having on my head. I hate having it on my head, that's why I need to write it already. I want to forget. Clearly she did already regarding our friendship ~o~ tho I don't know why she doesn't remove me in Facebook yet.

I bet your wondering "What the hell in the world we're you doing in SMBac? You went shopping?". For the record I was broke. It's funny that I only had 20 php on my wallet and I bought a 19php ballpen. I almost thought of walking all the way home, or at least until MCI. But then I remembered my iPad also stores money. I really don't know how to survive anymore ~.~ wait what was I saying again? . . . oh yeah I was in SMBac. I realised something a while ago. Jedd told me 2 months ago one of my hobbies was window shopping (funny how he was the one who pointed it out). Well I realised that window shopping actually has a therapeutic effect on me. Regarding stress I mean. I also realised how very little choices I have for relieving stress. Sometimes it helps to just randomly cry on the way home while walking on the streets. Provided you do it on non crowded streets or sometime after dark so you don't get too much attention. That helps. tho I don't know how to hide it when I'm at home already ~.~ ugh something to add to the list. I hope the net gets fast again. I feel horrible with the net slow again. It gets more and more lonely. oh by the way, did I ever tell you that I almost live alone now? well I have a "dormmate". She comes and goes as she pleases and unofficially puts me the maid. Well sure she does the laundry every Saturday. But that's just me being delusional. Her making me feel better. I don't bother cooking anymore. She won't eat it most of the time anyways. I just make myself if I feel like it as well. It feels really lonely blog. I wish sometimes you were a person or something o.o haha If you we're a person and we keep on playing this "the who" you'd know who I am talking about ne? haha じゃ I think I'll try to do some of the exercises on mymathlab.

−−ニコルでした

悲しみ

sometimes there are just days when I feel like crying. And to tell, this is one of those days. One of those where you just break down and cry like an idiot. Gomen for not explaining. I just saw a baby picture of myself on facebook. I don't know why but I kinda mark myself as under appreciated nowadays. I feel soo sad, depressed and somehow uninspired. It's not because I'm lazy. It's because I feel like everything I do are futile attempts at life. I really feel stupid. But somehow seeing a picture of myself being posted really made me happy. It made me happy because the person who posted it normally teases me and stuff. It's not that I get pissed or something, it's just that I thought everyone was the same. Tho I still don't believe in fairy tales. I just love watching them. Ugh. Gotta go take a bath. It's 9.35 already ~.~ じゃね！

ーーニコル

InsecureMeIsBack

wow I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. my 日本語 is slowly progressing. kinda slowly but surely. I dunno. My self esteem is down in the dumps again. I feel insignificant and troubled. I've been having frustrating incidents again. Too many mistakes thats why I feel down. I really need help but I hate asking (one thing I realized a few days ago) I really have communication problems ne? It's really unbecoming of me to be like this. I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. I feel numb again. I also think I'm going to disappoint someone again. I really hate expectations and making someone expect something from me. I'm not reliable nor am I dependable. Independence is out of the question. Ugh. I'm cheering myself up with 日本の歌 again. Oh by the way I have sleeping problems again. Which is really annoying. For one it's because of mosquitos second because of stress and the need for self actualization again. Eeck! Gotta go. I have classes. じゃね

ーーニコル

擬音語

I'm gonna make an onomatopoeia list :)) or gion go list :D

どんどん Steadily (Pace)
グルグル Round and round
ばりばり Crunching
ハイハイ crawling
ワクワク Excited
ガタガタ Rattle
カタカタ
ますます More and more
わちゃわちゃ Play? Noise?
ニヤニヤ Smirk/Grin
ふんふん Yeah
フリフリ Frilly
ギリギリ Barely
ヒリヒリ Tingling
キラキラ Sparkling
みずみずしい Fresh (tho I think this is an adjective)
イライラ Frustrating/annoying
まだまだ again, once again, still
バラバラ apart
チカチカ flickering
らくらく Easy
ぐんぐん Steadily
みずみずしい Fresh
いよいよ Finally
いやいや No no
ゆるゆる Sudden increase
パクパク munch
ばくばく gobble
そろそろ by now
ニコニコ smiling
コツコツ diligently
のびのび ease
バラバラ apart
ばらばら loose

(This post will be edited from time to time)

2013 ありがとう!

@Mendez, Cavite

あけましておめでとう! ok that was hard :)) I didn't actually want to change the settings of their computer :)) and my iPad has no charge so I had to use some help of other sites to actually type that :)) とにかく I just realized it's a new year so .

Blog へ,
よろしくね :)

I still feel like a loser doing weird Japanese words on my blog . well I really need to work on it . I really wish I get to enroll in the Japanese lessons class on school . じゃまったね . Happy 2014!

--ニコルでした