BirthdayIssues

I just realized something on the way home . I cry when its someone's birthday . be it my sister's, mommy's or mine . I get too frustrated or lonely or whatever . I remember last year . no one even bothered doing anything for me . on the way hone from school . I just happen to pass by my old classmates and I ask them if I can at least join them . when we got to Palico . I invited them to at least eat with me at mcdo . I pitied myself more after . its like I just happen to find someone and invite them to falsely be happy for me . and we weren't even close . I feel lonely again :'(

TrustIssues

trust issues . I get it . I lack it . I still dont know how to handle it . Is it beacuse I was afraid of my mom unknowingly . and tend to not trust everyone ? I hate the fact that I keep barricading myself . but can't help impulses especially when pressured or fear . I still keep hating myself especially when I reflect on my time alone . or when I disappoint jedd . I really feel a lot more unworthy and unforgivable . I even hated myself again when I remember I promised not to lie to kesha when I go out with him . I feel that I would disappoint him again . and I would be subjectible to punishment and I would beg the law for mercy . once again I hate being too imaginative . I'm too off track . I wish I can do what I promised . I feel like I'm betraying . that is why I hate promising :'(