夢以上の研究

よ！そのしばらくして . its evil of me to not write to you . I really hate myself right now . i've been giving out efforts for college for nothing . but I did notice its not my best yet . I get the feeling I will fail in a few days . I really hate this . me not doing my best I mean . but anyway . yesterday . on my way to school . I had a vision . I guess . it was something I didn't realize I wanted for a while . my dreams as an engineer started to expand . haha . its a funny thing to say knowing i'm barely doing my best now . that's very complex of me again . but right now . there is nothing more on my mind but to do my best and want to finish this engineering course of mine . I know in myself . I never dreamed of this as a kid . I was way too introverted and uncaring of the world couz of the fact I created mine and shut off everything else out of it . I understood nothing . not do my best for anything for a long time . I wonder now . when was the last time I did my best anyway ? college entrance exam ? あほ I passed without real efforts . its not something to be proud of couz its not really a challenge . running ? maybe ? but I was never actually passionate about it . just a while ago . I saw kids who decided to play a race . and it kinda surprised me that kids would actually have fun and laugh a lot about it . I guess my childhood really sucked . I ran on events but it was meaningless for me . I guess running isn't something that would make my heart burst of happiness . even learning a foreign language . I only do so when I want to . but now . I think I have a purpose for wanting to pursue and learn the language I want to learn right now . right now . I want to do my best and be an engineer . and also learn Japanese . why ? I realized a few days ago . and came to a vision yesterday . I remember the fact that Japan is really the best in engineering . and it amazed me a few days ago . I want to learn from them . I realize now why I want to be an engineer . to craft beautiful things that would make me happy . haha . what I just said made me laugh . haha was it really me who typed that ? funny . I still feel like its only dreams again . but inside of me . its telling me to work hard now . but why now ? is my mind stupid ? 17 years of my passive and bored personality . I wonder what others think of me ? 女の子 あほmost probably . I think of myself like that anyways . I guess others would think of me that as well . haha . だいじょぶ みんな . i'm not out of my mind just yet . I think I just found a dream inside of me . would it bring me happiness . or would it only be a waste of time again ? I wanna graduate already just to find out if these dreams would do to me in the future . anyways . having all these dream is causing me a headache . anyways . good night