Ideal?

I woke early today . about 8.3O i guess . forgot about the dream I had the night before . senseless I guess . gone down to call sister to join me upstairs . watched a movie with her . washed up really early . gone down to the other cr to brush my teeth . ended up helping for the party tomorrow . just when I was about to eat . my mood suddenly changed . Kesha ordered me to make my sister fall asleep . so I decided to do so . I turned on the tv to help try if it works . well it did . and she fell asleep on my arms . it made me wonder again . I remember an answer I blurted out on a note sissy tagged me .

73. Want kids: uhm . honestly no. i'm kinda scared of what they'll be

It actually made me realize . that i'm scared because . I expected . I realized I wanted my child to be like my sister . a creature drafted with beauty and intelligence . the image I wanted a child to project . Ideal as it seems . I suddenly found myself imagining myself in the future . but the image was overpowered by the thought of my mother . her bearing my sister . her pains during child birth . my sister is an Insulin baby . is that the exchange for an ideal child ? I dont know . I just suddenly wanted a baby on my arms . not now . I am still building his/her future . hopefully what my parents would want . argh . gotta go . ill just blog some other time what i can't express now . this feeling is too complex to even understand now .

BigSister